"Never again will they hunger;
never again will they thirst.
The sun will not beat upon them,
nor any scorching heat.
For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;
he will lead them to springs of living water.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God."
On Friday afternoon, after such a tiresome week, with doctor appointments and Vicky's congested nose, we decided to go for a walk to distract ourselves. The visit with the neuropediatrician, on Wednesday, was very harsh on me. I arrived at the office a bit apprehensive, but expecting to find a doctor who would be interested in Vitoria, willing to get to know her and explore her potential. My enthusiasm started to fade as I was trying to explain myself. I told the doctor that we decided to continue with the pregnancy, despite hearing from many doctors that it would be better to terminate it. He replied me saying such advice was given because it would be too frustrating to follow Vitoria - to me and to him. I interrupted him and said: "No, it is not frustrating. To me, it is a pleasure to be with her. Perhaps you may not understand it because you don't know her, but she is very special, very expressive. She is very strong and she's been through a lot and she has always wanted to live". He interrupted me asking me, politely, to put Vitoria on the bed so that he could examine her. He looked at her quickly and, after a few recommendations, he finished the appointment. When we left, I got in the car with Vitoria in my arms, fighting the tears in my eyes. I think I even let one escape. But I breathed in deep, looked firmly at her and said: "I don't believe in anything this doctor said. You are a joy to me. You will never be a frustration."
During the rest of the day she rested a lot, and Marcelo and I tried to recover. We went through a lot of that kind of reaction during my pregnancy, pessimistic doctors trying to destroy our dreams and our faith. Even though we try not to consider what they say, their words do stir us. It hurts to realize that this child whom we love so much, who is so important to us has no value to other people, to the point they suggest her life was not worth it and therefore, should have been terminated. On Thursday I still had tears stored in my heart. In the morning, while I left Vitoria near the window to feel the sunshine. it was time to share my tears with God. I know He understands everything I feel. I know he wipes away my tears with His own hands.
bottles, prepare her bottles... In the afternoon, with an attempt to move forward, to live, I went outside with her for a stroll around our condo. I still hadn't had the courage to do it all by myself - we live in a building with no elevators, it had been cold for several days, and now that the weather finally got warmer, she got a cold, she could catch too much wind... but today was a day in which a bit of wind was good. When I realized it, there we were, the two of us strolling by the neighborhood during a pleasant end of day. The sun was already setting down in the horizon, which makes the sunshine even prettier, of a whitened yellow, soft and tender, but still radiant.
Its light delicately stressed the contours of the landscape, and its rays softly touched us, as if lying on our skin and making us feel more alive. Yes, there we were, alive and walking outside during the beautiful sunset. Vitoria was very awake and aware of the change of the background around her. She yawned as bit, but made sure to be awake to enjoy the stroll. I told her I loved her. I told her to see what a beautiful day it was. Told her to feel the sun light. I said that she was alive and that it was a huge blessing. I told her I didn't know she liked to go outside so much!
When we went back inside she was very awake. I put her in her crib, imagining she would want to rest after our little trip,but she immediately tried to lift herself up.
She was moving a lot. I quickly grabbed her colored mats and placed them on the living room floor. I had to take advantage of her moment of disposition to move. She was determined to go forward. She would lift her head and put all her strength on her arms to support her trunk. She would try harder and harder, until her arms would tremble. And back there her legs were trying to coordinate to move forward. She would put her head down, from time to time, and soon she would start all over again. She was dragging herself forward. I tried to help her, positioning her arms properly to offer support. When I realized, her legs, which before were on the blue mat had already completely moved to the yellow mat. I think she kept doing it for half an hour, tireless, and persistent. Until I decided it was time for her to have her milk and rest.
The next morning, I put her in her crib to take her morning nap and left the room. After a few minutes, I heard her crying, and when I got back in the room, I found her lying across the crib, with her head on the side, crying because she couldn't get out of there! I was appalled! I grabbed her in my arms, covering her with kisses, and asked her: How did you do this, my love?
A profound joy flooded my heart and took away all sadness and deception from the last days, like a flash flood that goes down the mountains washing the earth and leaving only the plants whose roots are deep. Leaving only what is good.